(042) talk is cheap

blistering words were never enough. talk is cheap. i'm out and lost. here's a toast to the beautiful angels that surround you.

(041) the souls of dying atheists

i awoke with a feeling of infinite fear, having heard the sounds of ghosts whispering somewhere near. it was three in the morning so i called you up on the phone assuming you would somehow save me from being alone. it was foolish to think that you would help me out. i mean, the sound of your voice - i really thought it'd wash away all the noise i kept hearing then that i'm still hearing now. the sun - it still isn't coming up, and me - i still keep falling down. go ahead and dance. have the time of your life. you never noticed me, and i never noticed you. the souls of dying atheists are like the words that i write - senseless and out of time. you're standing on a corner somewhere in my mind at two intersecting roads that will take you nowhere fast.

i would assume that my reasoning is simple at best. i can't define what it means to be hopeless but not the least bit depressed. it's hard to be grateful for the things you have when all you see in your reality is a wasted past. i could have been better and faster and smarter than that... but i could care less now, and i could care less then. sometimes, i'm reminded that good things come to people who wait. yesterday, i heard about a man who died on the eve of his 60th birthday.

(040) a relationship out of step

a summer long ago when you were free, and you were stoned. so many days without a home. the certainty of what's unknown would always make us bitch and moan about the things we'd never own. we were too scared to let it out. we always knew we'd have to doubt the real meaning behind love - the only thing that holds us back from all the other things we lack. it was a day you can't recall. it was a stupid mistake - that's all. and now, i found out it was all a waste of time - a fucking staircase i should have never tried to climb. and what is all that's left? a fucking relationship that's out of step.

(039) nothing real

i used to be overly worried about my physical looks and my body, but now i don't look at my own face in the same way. it's all disposable. i long to break free of these worldly chains so i try to take comfort in thinking i'm not alone, but it's still there. they all overlook him or just see him as a microscopic friend in their grand ambitions for life. they already do so it doesn't matter what they say or try to say anymore. it's all just sympathy. at least they try to act concerned.

i can't wait to find my other half or at least just one of them. i want to breathe again before dying. i want to feel alive again. i want to be disregarded so there's no confusion.

(038) secrets we once knew

grab onto my heart. come on. pull it. tear it out. i'm ready to die. it's time to start the show. let's all jump on and go. we will all get noticed if we ignore the horror of the truth and all of the secrets we once knew. they will be exposed for everyone to see that there is nothing wrong with me. so take me for a ride and throw me out of your life. you'll never feel guilty. i just want the sun to fall. i just want to see it all.

i'm stuck somewhere in my head where everything turns to sand, and that light has been blinding me for days... but i can't look away.

(037) a boy who lost his innocence

you're a curious girl, but i can't imagine the things you must feel. i'm not writing this. i'm not taking risks anymore. the radio is quiet and so am i. you can't hear me now. you never could, but you smile so easily now. i'm not waking up. i'm not talking to you. you probably won't worry with your iq. you're so smart when it comes to obvious things. we will never change. it's just another false hope of mine, but i swear - this time, it will be my last. i'm not listening. i'm not understanding the words that you speak. this isn't happening. the sun won't come up. the stars won't even shine when you're all alone. the security blanket that you used to have - it doesn't keep you warm out in the freezing cold. the echoes would lead you down the stairs and into the living room, but nothing was there.

don't wait for me. i will never be ready. i will never be worth any of your time. i'm just playing around. i mean - i've said it before. i'm leaving all my sorrow at your old back door. i'm just tripping over the thoughts in my mind. three days in a row - i should stop hitting rewind. i've never been able to get anything out. sometimes i hope, but i usually doubt that someone can hear me; that i can be seen. i think that this hole is just way too deep. i need a pill to sleep. i need a pill to keep me in reality. is it really reality? the pictures don't make sense. i was only a boy who lost his innocence. i think i could make it on my own if people would care and not leave me alone. it's just too damn hard, but i shouldn't complain. i'm the one with the fucked up brain.

i'm not on my way. i'm not going to say anything else.

(036) beauty multiplied by infinity

i'm just a joke to everyone i know. go ahead. laugh at me. i'm pathetic. can't you see through me? for you, it should be easy to by now. after all, you're the light that shines all over my soul.

beauty multiplied by infinity. it goes on forever and can only come with never-ending heartache. i've lost my faith in visibility.