(0116) between black and white

no, no, no, no, no. this isn't happening. this isn't real.

i saw the fireworks exploding in your eyes, but, unfortunately.. you didn't.

listening to bob dylan too much probably... and probably too much alcohol. but hey. i'm not the one practicing pilates and drinking wine. this is all a waste. what am i doing? i don't have a clue. not one fucking clue. wasting away i guess. this is stupid. whatever.

i feel like eating my own skin just so i can spit it in your face. just keep fucking him until you feel better. the past will be dripping from these words until you prove me wrong. i know this isn't how it ends. right? well, oh well. i guess it really doesn't matter. i hope the memories don't get in my way. i tried so hard. i've seen the intermission, and it's not pretty.

(0115) breathe it out

three minutes left, and i have nothing to say. skin turning black. eyes turning empty. and then before you know it, it's all over. let's just hope you wake up before it has to happen. you don't fool anyone... certainly not me. breathe out your self-righteousness, and i'll breathe out my ability to not care.

seventeen days ago, i swallowed the fear of fear itself.

(0114) another death in june

my phone starts ringing in the middle of the night. i am barely awake. you call to say that i forgot to write, but that was no mistake. you're drinking from the bottom of the glass. no one would ever have known. i'm still living in the dreary midwest, and you're still out there on your own. and as i finally drift to sleep tonight, i dream of a serial killer from kankakee who shoots us both right through our hearts. the ending comes quite simply but rather soon... another death in june.

i was headed to work last week when i looked up and saw the price of gas. everyone was pumping their wallets dry, so i thought i'd just stop and ask, "does it feel good to be raped by the man and thrown to the edge of the street?" one man spoke up and said, "who are you?" said, "just another person tryin' to eat." i ended up working that evening alone; got off at a quarter till eight. i got myself home in my automobile and heated up myself a dinner plate of food... just opened up and chewed.

now, listening to music alone in my room and waiting for some inspiration. my mind is going in all directions. up and down or left and right? evolution or creation? i think to myself maybe it's both. maybe it's every possible answer. either way, the truth will be told by the end of the last chapter. some might say we're headed for destruction. others will say we're not. either way, i guess i really shouldn't care to bother connecting the dots..too fast... for what it's worth, it seems we're all stuck in the past.

(0113) waiting... day and night

freezing for this very chance to never see you again. in a trance; not likely to come out anytime soon. now i remember a time, not too long ago, when i was willing to compromise between amnesia and deja vu... but that time has came and went. silence is beautiful still, unlike everything you're quickly becoming. difficult to come to that realization, but what else is new?

correction. misrepresentation. no time for any real information. unimportant. feed the sheep. must believe it all and go to sleep.

the medicine isn't working, but then again, maybe it is. i still don't know. karma will catch up to you sooner or later. i'll bet on it.

(0112) until the ground disappears

your blood tastes good, but the emptiness dripping from their sweat tastes even better. i've seen all you have to offer i guess. your handouts are for the needy - not for me... even though i fit the description. running all the way back to the beginning without you. running like there's no tomorrow because there's not. diametric variations of methods used to combat insanity and insomnia are running out. i'm out of my mind... where are you? i wish i knew.

(0111) a casualty suffered in the fight for survival

not impressed with what i've done. it feels like all i do is run away from staring at the sun while trying to stay young. in between what i've lost and what i still have to lose. i look around in an unbridled fashion. my life is a train-wreck waiting to happen.

fast forward two years or so. betrayed by my own imagination. i'm realizing i am more real than i thought i was.

the lights are falling from the ceiling, but i don't notice.

(0110) a message of both hope and hopelessness

everything must end, but not now.

still, we were told that we would have a say in this... in all of this. what we were given is an ultimatum - not a choice.

still, love is nothing more than a lie covered in chocolate and wrapped up in paper. you taste it, you consume it, and when it's gone, you cry until you find another one that attracts your thoughtless desire.

still, we endlessly go around in circles and claim that there is such a thing as "getting ahead". there are people dying of hunger, sickness, and poverty every day you put on a tie and brush your teeth as part of your pathetic attempt to strive towards that american dream and hopefully get a salary increase to hopefully bring your annual income up to 200k.

still, i can't seem to understand why a god that is supposedly perfect in every way would create such imperfect beings and then punish the fraction of his creation that didn't waste any of their time striving to be something they couldn't be. the bible is not a message of hope in and of itself, but just another book that seeks to instill fear as a method of gaining believers. another book that uses the message of hope to deceive and fool people for the rest of their lives so that they might feel secure in their purpose of existing. in effect, the draws of christianity aren't any different than most other major religions. we, as humankind, have no other options than to invent the truth and the right answers and to essentially use any means possible to convert others into joining up as means to inflating that truth more and more.

still, what my mind experiences while i'm asleep is much, much more vivid than what i experience while i'm awake - how ironic.

still, you must accept and not challenge the fabric of reciprocity that manifests itself in every aspect of life... just so that you won't be thought of as an irrational thinker.

it's all bullshit. everything you've ever been told is all bullshit, and that's all there is to it... the end.

(0109) a ghost inside a forgotten dream

when i saw you there with your new toy, i had this passing feeling that i was a ghost inside of a forgotten dream. but what i forgot was the quote from the book that i once left on the edge of your bed.

with the sun in your eyes and one hand on the wheel, you'll soon find out that there is no truth to the lies you are still living. you're like a clock on the wall that doesn't tick. you were thrown into the water, and you sank like a fucking brick.