(0262) the downfall

i have become endangered from the circus fear that i've lived inside of a rat's nest where the beautiful never show their face. i have bestowed my love on the ice that forms beneath a boiling surface while the innocent devoured what was whole before their eyes. i became utterly confused when the light went out without your vagrant and detailed presence in the dwindling hours of our second and third romances. cemetery filled with hope of a new life that would balance out our checkbooks once the debt was paid with empty promises written in my blood as it poured over the fabric in our minds; over the fabric of wasted time. i just needed one more piece of youth. i just needed one more piece of you.

i stayed away from the silence of depressing thoughts and dissipated dreams because they weren't healthy for you so they wouldn't be healthy for me. i found another world far away from here, but sleep was leaving me behind in the shadows and in the undertow of a failed effort that led me against the wind. twenty-three hours of a maze so dizzying that i couldn't see straight for days, and when they tried to follow me, my ghost was long gone in the echo of what you tried to say. is this not what we envisioned? is this not what we had known the first time that we broke our bones? can we pretend that we were finished? can we pretend we never had a chance? i left you frozen in my glance.

insecurity fills my void. picture-perfect conversation leads to a place where we sit and wait for days until our feelings fade... until our distance complicates our fate. frustration pulls me away from pursuing what i wanted to when i was far away from you. adjust the radar scans until we see the truth hiding out in every breath. deviate from your normalcy and hold your longings where everyone else can see them in a bent reflection pointed towards the sun. electricity was the last resort, but it reset all the circuit boards and left no evidence. all past communication was erased. all distractions were contained in tiny chemicals we barely understood. the ampacity was reached in a matter of seconds, and the downfall was no less impressive as we blamed each other for what we had lost. amnesia. amnesia was the only cost.

i disavow my sentence and walk away in anger. i open up my wallet, swipe the plastic and calculate the cost of labor. i worked for the lunatics in their disguises. i did what they told me because people like me live off of low prices. if inflation is the logical variable in this equation, can't you ascertain a solution by not paying any attention whatsoever? i'm dissecting my faith in an optimism constrained by bad luck. i'm correcting the mistakes without any help. you can find reaction here as you watch the leaves on the trees disapppear. create your masterpieces and let them soak into the roots of that same tree. people will live or die on their own terms and rates of interest. the end is clear. the bombs will shut out the cynic in your brain when you decide you won't forget - you won't forget the oxygen you needed here.

glacier constructed of dust and a foreign name you could only hope to trust. the economics were the pulse of an entire generation raised on corporate mind-controlling drugs. temperature set to kill the entire human race in one swift turning of the page, and don't you dare read anymore than what you already need to know. this is all you need to know. predictors are all we have to make wise decisions about where we want to go. the resistance of dependence is a natural force to follow with a limited understanding of how things work. a mechanical isolation and a fixed short-term concentration lead the way to better coping skills to deal with what you don't and will probably never have. we pretend to cry, but we just tend to laugh. can't tell the ocean from the sky. can't tell the chorus from the verses. can't tell honesty from lies. can't see your secrets when you're only walking by.

there are children choking on their food and losing their teeth to no end, and when they grow up, they'll just be doing the same things in new ways. colored tv tries to make us believe in fantasies that they market; all this new technology - it's a race to fake gold. there was poison placed in our minds since the very moment we could comprehend. untold reasons. the untold realization that there are never new trends. unintended consequence that we learned until we burned all our money was always mixed in with the germs on our hands. we've retreated into the dark ages. in some ways, we're seemingly moving in reverse. exit signs are all but ignored until the carbonation catches up with our thirst. we're just a piece of the puzzle. we come and go with every new random curiosity, but we are staying alive, and we are a witness to everyone's beautiful life.

(0261) idle thoughts on undried paint

in this blanket commune, i see your demise. leave this mess and never return. the delusion has passed with antibiotics, and the tv stares back at itself with a grin. cull the best anecdotes from this memory. borderline love and hate in your shadow of pretense. write these words into my skin and disappear. react in your ignorance and burn with your eyes. if you see me alive, forget the answers to questions that ask "what have you become?" pull the strings and let me know what you're seeing. bricks layered with shit to make you some kind of home. don't you feel so alone? yeah? well, i wrote you a song, but it came out wrong. i swear it came out wrong, but i've found out that around here especially, trash stays with trash. so give yourself a halo and watch me stutter.

my legless wife - she walks it through because she doesn't understand what she can't do. my blind stepson - he sees the sky, but he doesn't comprehend the reasons why. i'm alone in this new denial; cast about in another false rationality. corrupt and paranoid past the point of return, i'm living in an invisible coffin. we analyze and fantasize about what it would be like to unlearn. feel not what we imagined was there - only feel what is real and true. my full size bed is trying to keep me dead so i dance in the middle of night. my flattened pillows are caused by faulty perception; close all the windows to keep me from catching the cold. you see my face, and i see your soul. it's too bad that you think you have nowhere to go. the final piece never seems to fit. we should have never decided to quit. the inconvenient sounds i heard left me confused so i hid away under the table. medicine covers the tracks, and the music helps me to relax in an ocean with no land in sight. fill this hole up with a kiss goodbye and come back twenty years later to see how it's rotted away. weighed out my options bearing hardly a choice; then waited, hoping that good music would've started to play. the ending doesn't come tomorrow. it doesn't take its time - it comes today.

the emotionally immature paint themselves, pretending to be what they're not. woe is me, they'll tell themselves while giving up and accepting how things are. just as different as you are the same. taking photos, writing without a pen, and i'll swallow them all in my sleep with no end. a jagged convulsion left me with idle thoughts on undried paint. first angle connected our faces, but the overall trajectory destroys our fate. bounced off a simple reason; tied to my swollen lungs. deceiving with pretense hooked to the lips that surround a desperate tongue. contrived and unaware as they sit there in their chairs, dialects forged into one... innocence where you have none. sipped gently on their poisoned air until i could tell their souls were bare. and they said all they had to say without speaking a word. and they'll taste all they want to taste... with unquenched thirst. disruptions are uncontrolled, but i'll use the paper they can't and won't unfold. embalming the dirty satellites in their empty minds, speaking no words whatsoever with unquenched thirst.

a little twitch now a big mistake, and i mistook her for someone else - something else. another confused soul with issues, and someone's taking advantage. life's little disappointments. waste of mental energy drowns me on the way home. meanwhile, the clock keeps ticking... microwave beeps, and my food is still cold. shoved a spoon down in my head for a snack of worms, and i just collapsed. blinded from growing cataracts... but a matter of months until another beginning. new place to plant emerging seeds. i could forget everyone in my passing. the grass is green, and the stomach knows why. dreamed up circuit wire i couldn't seem to resist, but sudden lightning strikes electrocute the phantom of a delusion i shouldn't have slit in my wrists... and i found my answer lying dead on the median of a highway. the grass is green, and the stars surrender. they gave inspiration until fake lovers had enough. there's infinite smoke in my mirror so it gets hazy in my rotting heart, and i'll crash when i'm ahead. in the liquid of foregone conclusions and a backwards stare, i find an empty bottle, and that was probably the last drop. i'll strip the paint with what i felt. maybe it was television love or maybe nothing at all. it's not about the sound. it's about a feeling, and i deserve better. the poseur's new concussion leads to silence and another reminder.

three parts romantics, two parts death, one part allergic reaction. a headache that could rip through the fabric of emotion. i don't fear the ending - just the chorus. the spectacle is unkind, and i wash my hands just to feel warm water. two thousand miles away, a new world and state of mind awaits. girls burn their tongues, and boys burn their faces. operation went smoothly, and now she's just a dehydrated slob who fills her plate up with fake realism. a fake identity. original thoughts have gone out the window in their world, but still, i can't help but follow my shadows to a dead-end where nobody exists. a telephone answering machine that refuses to record my message. we panic in freefall until our parachutes snap open, and yes, of course, mine fails every time. splattered blood just becomes a splattered excuse for not caring. a page i'll never read again. decimals add up to mean something, but math is a foreign concept at this stage. we stand in line until they pull the plug, but i'll pull it for them until their skin is pulling tight. freedom just becomes my desperation, and cold air becomes my wife. jumping though hoops for no apparent reason; for what was found out to be a lie. the pavement tells me where i am. when i am. i can see it only as far as my hand can reach, but sight isn't needed. we swallow down the best parts and then realize we made a mistake. these lips feel nothing... nothing but a repeated goodbye. i let this ink save my face until the face caves like butter. i can't forget, nor will i. the mind fades eventually. we return to dust, and the sun laughs. i'm not getting any younger. our brains float off. mom says it'll be okay.